BEDA 9: I Feel

I feel lonely because I know that very, very soon, I won't be able to see those that I care about most. And while I'm well aware that I'll be able to talk to them online or on the phone or by email or even by snail mail, it's not the same as physical contact It's not the same as hugging and smiling and poking and resting your head on their shoulder.

I feel excited because college is something I've waited for my entire life, and it's finally, finally here. This is my time.

I feel scared because all of that freedom comes with a shit ton of responsibility and pressure. They keep saying how important it is that you start college off on the right foot, and as much as I think I know what to do, I'm very afraid that I'll end up making the same poor decisions I did four years ago. I'm afraid I'll slip back into my old bad behavior.

I feel depressed because I am so so sooo bad at taking my medication, and the combination of this and environmental stressors has me rather down in the dumps.

I feel frantic because it's finally gotten to crunch time. I have five days left. There are so many loose ends, and realistically, I don't think there's any way I can do everything I have to and would like to do. I have plenty of time, but really, I don't.

I feel hopeful because I finally have the opportunity to really start anew. No one at Winona has anything to expect from me. I can finally be myself without having bits of my past held against me. I can make my own choices. It's a new page, and I can write on it however I like.

I feel guilty because I feel like I've been ignoring my family. I don't think they know how much I care about them; how much I'm going to miss them.

I feel proud because there was a time I really wasn't sure I would make it to college. Like I said, I've aspired to reach this point for as long as I can remember, and it feels incredible to finally be here.

I feel relieved because I spent the entire day texting my new roommate back and forth, and she seems like she's quite nice. Her name's Alissa, and she's never read any of the Harry Potter books or seen any of the movies. But that's okay, because we'll find plenty of other things to bond over.

I feel sad to be leaving. Just sadness.

I feel determined because I finally have a chance to spend my time studying what I truly love. There isn't a single class I'm taking this semester that isn't about something that's really important and interesting to me, and that's very new to me. I'm on a mission to make the most of it.

I feel loved because of all those who have been asking to spend time with me. Of course, it makes me sad to say my goodbyes, even if they aren't forever. But it really does give me a warm fuzzy feeling to be so sought out. It's nice to feel appreciated.

I feel drained because of all the time I've had to put into things lately. I mean, a lot of them are really great things. But like I said in my last post, it's a lot. And I need to relax.

Really. I need to relax. Hopefully the camping trip tonight will help with that.

Days until college: Five

Last video watched: nothing more than feelings (day 8 vid 7) by Esther. <3

Last song scrobbled: "Motion In The Ocean" by Nana Grizol