Opportunities Abounding

I've sort of had this insatiable need to blog lately. Probably because I'm at such a transitional point in my life right now, and I feel this underlying need to get a hold of myself and figure out what's happening in that big ol' head of mine.

But the result is a whole slew of blog posts that really never needed to happen.

Anyways, I have absolutely no clue where my weekend went. Today's Memorial Day, which means I had a long weekend. And no matter how much I set out to get done - or no matter how much I actually did get done - the past three or four days have felt really tranquil and uneventful in the best way possible.

I've sorta needed that. Like, a lot. I mean, you can see it in my second from last blog post. I haven't been doing my best with the whole "coping" thing, and I really needed an opportunity to step back and to just enjoy where I was. Because really, it's incredible how many opportunities I've been given, and when you're stuck with so many of the negatives while the positives are right around the corner, it's hard to see that.

My mom and I have had a whole slew of conversations about whether or not I'm really ready for college over the course of the past nine months. For the most part, she's been really really concerned that I'm not ready. But really, I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't going to college. I've been stuck in a place where I really don't belong for four years now, and while ultimately I'm happy, there's so much more out there.

I was sort of starting to lose hope that things could be different. This weekend helped to renew that.

Special thanks to Catitude, because they're awesome and stuff. (:

Make a Wish

Okay, so yesterday my friend told the rest of our group of online buddies about something big, and I guess i sorta wanted to write about it here, so I am. also, I really enjoy listening to the sound of other people typing when no one is really talking in a Skype call, and I thought maybe I would be able to share that joy with someone else. Haha.

Anyways, here's what's up. So my friend Esther (most of you know her) has had cancer for a long time now. Around three years ago, Make A Wish gave her a wish to use, and she's never really known what to use it on. Until recently, that is. She worked it out so that six of us are going to be able to fly out there to Boston to see her. All expenses are covered by Make a Wish. Right now, the trip is scheduled for June 30th to July 3rd, but there's a possibility of it being extended to July 5th. Also, John Green and Andrew Slack are gonna visit us.

Needless to say, I'm pretty excited about it. It'll be my first real trip, like, ever. It'll be my first time on a plane for sure. And most importantly, I'll get to spend some well deserved time with some of my very favorite people in the whole world. The entire situation is too awesome for me to even really comprehend.

...Yet part of me sort of feels bad about being excited to Boston. After all, only six of us are going. Out of a group of over twenty. And I know it would be totally unreasonable for all of us to be flown out there, but I still really really wish we could all be together. Each and every person in that chat is really important to me, and I know that they're all really really important to Esther too. I just don't want any of them to think that they aren't going because they're not liked or anything like that. I mean, obviously, it wasn't me who chose who gets to go on the trip. It was Esther. But I get the feeling that a lot of it had to do with who's been around and known Esther the longest, seeing as all of us have been around just about since the very beginning.

I don't know. We've been planning activities and stuff for when we're there, and all I can really say is that we all agree that we want to do anything and everything in our power to include the rest of the group while we're there. None of us want to make any of them feel inferior or less important in any way at all. I mean, really. We're a family. We all love each other so much, and that's what makes Catitude so great, right?

So pretty much, I'm absolutely beyond ecstatic that by some miracle this is actually happening, but I'm still thinking about everyone else a lot too. I just want to make sure there aren't any bad feelings, because really, none of this was ever meant to be taken personally.

Also, it's really weird to think about how soon this whole trip is. I mean, it's in a month and one day. And June is going to go really, really fast. It makes sense. After all, Make a Wish works with sick kids - many of whom don't necessarily know how much longer they have left - so the entire organization works with lightning speed. It's just so weird to think about boarding a plane in almost exactly a month, getting off, and running into the arms of some super awesome friends.

I don't know, it's a lot to take in. Not in the best way in some areas, but mostly in the best way possible. (:

Slow It Down

This week. Just...this week. Where do I evens start?

Things haven't been going so well lately. I think it's a giant combination of things, both clinical and situational. But I've just been so mentally and emotionally on edge lately. Yesterday, I went out of my way to get my day off to the right start. Things started off sort of tense, so I listed out ten things that I was looking forward to within the next day, and it helped. I was feeling good. Well, I was feeling good for about two hours, that is. Then I got to economics, and towards the end of class I snapped on the kid sitting next to me. I pulled it together pretty quickly, but it didn't take long for things to fall apart all over again.

We've been studying abnormal psych for a while now in my psych class, and to "give us a better understanding of borderline personality disorder," we were watching Girl Interrupted in class. I don't know if that's what set me off, but when class was dismissed and everyone else took off to lunch, I stayed right in my seat. My teacher asked me if everything was okay within the minute, and I shook my head.

And then I just broke. I started sobbing. Just, sobbing. My good friend Mallery rushed back into the classroom, and another girl who I've known for a long time stuck around too. And for at least fifteen minutes, I let myself crumble into this complete mess of a person. I hardly even remember what it was I said. Mostly, I think I went on and on about how completely terrified I am.

Lately, I've felt so broken, and this part of my gut deep, deep down is so scared of regressing back to where I was two years ago. I'm so scared of falling victim to my depression and anxiety, and I've felt so vulnerable lately. You can just feel it. You can feel that something's wrong in the pit of your stomach. And that feeling won't go away.

What's awful is that I'm throwing myself into these fits over my fear of having fits. It's cyclical and it's completely irrational.

I just really hope that I can turn things around. It's so upsetting to think that I'll have to struggle with these imbalances for the rest of my life - for years and years. But right now, I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to get through tomorrow.

Looking Upwards

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you all how much I really, really love you.

Each of you has helped me to become the person that I am today. Every single one of you has helped form me into this young woman that stands before the world, ready to take it all on. Each of you has strengthened me, nourished me, loved me. And I love you too.

There was a time when I wasn't sure I would live to see college. Hell, there was a time when I didn't WANT to live to see college. I was so, so broken. I was lonely, empty, and lost. There wasn't a single day that didn't go by where I didn't want to die. I felt pain in everything I encountered. Even with the assistance of prescription drugs and hospitalization, I could not have survived that year if I hadn't had such marvelous people there to support me through every single ache and every single smile.

I honestly cannot say I would have lived to see my graduation if it wasn't for every one of you.

You all mean so much to me. You make my days bright and my evenings pretty. You make me smile; you make me think; you make me try; you encourage me to do so many things I never would think I was capable of otherwise. You have opened my eyes to so many beautiful opportunities and experiences.

I owe so much to you, and all I can do is say that I love you, and that I hope that I am a fraction of the friend that you are for me.

And I love you all. Never, never forget that.

Questions and Things

it's interesting to me to think about how my priorities will change over the years. I only have sixteen days left in high school, and we're reading all these books in AP Lit about self-discovery, and wisdom, and the moments of your life that you carry with you. And so much of that coincides with how you make the most out of your life. And so much of that coincides with how your organize your priorities.

I like to think that I make relatively reasonable and admirable choices for someone my age. yet I'm under all of this pressure right now, particularly from my family, to become a good adult. I need to get a job. I need to get good grades. I need to be completely and entirely responsible. I need to grow up. And I recognize that these are all admirable qualities, and I recognize that these are things I should definitely be working on. However, it becomes a problem, in my opinion, when these things interfere with the things I really am passionate about.

...I guess "interfere" isn't really the right word for it. It just really, really bothers me when I'm being told that I should be giving up the things I love to do things that society considers necessary. Maybe I'm just naive, but why can't there be a balance of the two? Why can't we have what we want and what we need?

We live in a society that is so focused on career skills that we've forgotten so much of the value of personal development and introspection. It just seems like such a shame to me, to see all of these people - millions and millions of people - dedicating massive portions of their lives to materialistic gains. Because these people inevitably suffer from the lack of that sort of deeper-felt meaning.

We grow up, and supposedly we're gaining more knowledge and wisdom. However, the amount of questions we encounter seems to grow exponentially by the year. That is, until we reach a certain point. I feel like that's the true damage of going "over the hell" or whatever - we feel we've reached our prime, and thus our need to question ourselves and the various things around us begins to diminish. But I feel like it's these questions that really show our knowledge, wisdom, and understanding. And even more than that, it shows a certain sort appreciation for the world around us. So many people look at knowledge as a competitive sport, and after you reach that half-way point in your life, so many people seem to just decide that there's nothing to compete for any longer. And they just stop asking questions.

That way of making intelligence into SUCH a competitive thing just makes me sad, because for me, learning is about living life to the fullest and discovering all of the potential of the gifts that I've been given. And when you make it competitive, you eventually stop asking questions. And when you stop asking questions, you aren't harnessing all of the beauty of the things around you.

I don't know. I just see so much waste, and all I can really do is hope that I utilize every aspect of my life to its truest potential.

The Summer of a Lifetime

Okay. So at this very moment, I have twenty-eight days until I am officially done with high school. This is sort of mind-boggling to me. I'm about to finish four very long, very trying years of my life and open a whole new chapter with the summer of a lifetime. Some big, big things are right around the bend, guys. And every day, the anticipation just builds. I guess I just wanted to take an opportunity to map out my summer and really look at what lies ahead.

JUNE 10th: RACHEL ARRIVES

Rach is one of my very best friends. But here's the catch: she lives in Texas. So this summer, she's flying up to spend a week with me here. And, as you may have guessed, she gets here on June 10th. I'm gonna pick her up sometime in the evening, and it's gonna be the most INCREDIBLE thing in the entire world. Augh. We have so many plans.

JUNE 11th: THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL

Jeez, June eleventh. I don't think it's possible for me to fully comprehend just how soon that really is. I have my last three finals, and then I'm tossing a shit ton of papers all over the place, hugging my friends in those depressingly plain halls, walking through those black doors one more time, and not turning back.

JUNE 11th: THE WROCK SHOW

Okay, this has to be one of the most EXCITING things that could ever happen to me. For those of you who haven't heard yet, The Moaning Myrtles, Justin Finch-Fletchley, The Whomping Willows, and The Nifflers are all coming to my place to play a show. It's open to the public, as long as you pay $8 to get in! But really now, they're gonna be in my BACKYARD. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna pee myself when this day actually comes. If you wanna show up and you can get to Minneapolis, here's a link to the Facebook event. Be sure to RSVP!

JUNE 14th: GRADUATION DAY

Ugh. Graduation. I can't believe this is even happening. I mean, I'm well aware that this isn't the last time that I'll have to go back to my high school, but the idea of graduating. The idea of throwing my cap in the air and screaming. It's all so freeing. I can't wait to cut those ties that have been holding me back for the past four years and just let loose. I don't feel like this is where it all ends. I think this is where it all begins.

JUNE 19th: GRADUATION PARTY

Okay, I know this really isn't that big of a deal, but I'm really excited for my grad party. I really can't explain why or anything, because honestly, I'm not entirely sure. It just seems really nice to enjoy the company of all of your favorite people from over the past eighteen years and bask in your accomplishments. At that moment, there isn't anything expected of you. You've accomplished everything you need to accomplish. All you need to do is celebrate, you know? And I love that.

JUNE 22nd-23rd: CLASS REGISTRATION

Yaaaayy! I'm gonna be busing down to Winona on my own to spend the weekend there and sign up for all of my courses for the fall. I really have very little idea how this works, so I can't say much, but I DO know that I get my laptop while I'm there, which I'm very much looking forward to. Plus, the idea of picking my COLLEGE classes?! Call me nerdy, but I'm super pumped.

AUGUST 5th: LUISA ARRIVES!

Ahhh! Okay, so Luisa is ANOTHER one of my very best friends. She was an exchange student all of last year, and she and I bonded a whole lot before she had to go back to Germany in the spring. I've missed her like CRAZY over the past year, and I can't wait to squeeze her and run around like a bunch of idiots. I won't get to see her for too long, but I'm soooo glad she can make it this summer!

AUGUST 17th: MOVE IN DAAAY~

I get into my dorm then! I can't even imagine packing up all my stuff and moving away from everything. Honestly, this is gonna be really hard. I'm really looking forward to it too though. I mean, there's a train station right there. And I have a phone. And I can teach my family how to use Skype. Still, it's all sorta scary. Orientation week will be super, super fun though.

AUGUST 23rd: CLASSES BEGIN

And then I ACTUALLY start college, and summer is over! Sheesh.