i've done this before

The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here.

Instructions: Copy this into your NOTES. Bold those books you've read in their entirety, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read an excerpt. Tag other book nerds. Tag me as well so I can see your responses!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34 Emma -Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Inferno - Dante

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

i feel it

This is what it feels like.

It feels like I’ve got this crack. This deep rift in some unknown part of me. A fissure. It stings and it aches and I feel it.

It feels like I’ve got some sort of stitching through it. These strings start out pulled tight, holding together the two sides of this rupture in my skin. And I feel the threads coming loose as the day progresses. I feel them unraveling, and inevitably, I feel them split open.

I feel the pressure of the same wound splitting open again and again. Because the crack runs deep inside of me. Much deeper than external treatments can mend. So again and again, I feel that stinging. I feel that aching buried in my gut.

But every night, I sew myself back together and drift away, hoping that somehow, someway, things won’t feel the same tomorrow.

Esther.

I've been avoiding writing about Esther. I haven't felt up to it. I'm still not sure if it's a good idea, seeing as I started crying before I even typed anything. But another part of me feels like I've got this poison in the wound, and the only way to heal is to suck it out myself.

I was sitting in the library, waiting, because I left my wallet out by the PAC and some guy found it and was nice enough to email me and tell me that he wanted to return it. I didn't wanna look like an idiot and have Cupcake Corner or some shit open when he showed up, so I opened Google Reader for the first time in a while. I got my wallet, but I was happy to keep reading, so that's what I did. And I found Arka's post after reading for a bit longer, and I immediately shut my computer, packed my things, and left the library. I even had to stop half-way back to my dorm, because I thought maybe I had forgotten my wallet again.

And now I'm here. I finally read Arka's post, and that was actually what got me to open Blogger. I just made a playlist of twenty-four songs that remind me of Esther, and I'm trying to write this thing, but I don't even know what I'm typing.

I don't remember the last time I talked to Esther. I looked on Skype to try to figure it out, but I still don't have any definitive answers. I can't even explain how much that bothers me. I don't know the last time I told her that I love her. I don't remember the last time I heard that she loves me. And I need some sort of answer. There's all of this hazy, nonspecific bullshit that surrounds death, and all I want is to know that I didn't miss an opportunity to remind her of how much I care about her in her last days with us. Ultimately, I know that she knew how much she means to me. But my motives aren't really for her. They're almost entirely selfish. I need to know that I made her feel loved for my own sake. But I don't know what else to be besides selfish. I'm trying to reach out to those around them, and I'm trying to be comforting, and I really hope that in one way or another I have been. But more than anything, I just want to curl up and tend to my own wounds and think about Esther.

Arka, I know you're not really religious or anything, but I've always sort of interpreted dreams like the one you had as signs of a certain sort. As if they're a symbol of reassurance and comfort; a way of letting us know that whether we can feel it or not, we are still with her, hugging her and telling that we love her. And that everything's going to be okay.

Ultimately, I know that things will be okay. Even when I don't think I can do it for myself anymore, it's people like Esther that give me the will to keep living. I mean, how could I give up on life when she so obviously deserved much, much longer? And when it really comes down to it, her death gives me so much more to live for. I can't live for her, but I firmly believe that I'm still living with her as long as I carry her in my heart, and I refuse to let that little piece of her fade away any sooner than it must.

I just can't stop feeling like I need her. Like I don't know what to do, knowing that she won't sign on Skype sometime tonight and play My Town with me and talk about Abe and the rest of her family. I don't know what to do.

It broke my heart more and more every time she said she was too tired to join the Skype call, because I think underneath it all, I knew that she was slipping away from us. I knew that we were losing what precious little time we had left with her. And I just wanted to cling to her with every once of me. I never ever ever wanted to let her go. I messaged her every time I saw her online, because I was desperate for any interaction I could get. And most of the time, she didn't even respond. And I keep telling myself that she was just too tired. But part of me can't help but think that if she was really that tired, she wouldn't have been visible on Skype in the first place. And part of me doesn't think that her being too exhausted to say hello is much better than her ignoring me.

I would do anything to be able to have just one more regular conversation with her. Just like the ones we had for an entire year. Just one more. That's the one thing I really want.

But it's something I most certainly cannot have. And that's eating me apart.

Esther, I've told you this so many times over the past few weeks, but I constantly find myself needing to say it again. I love you so much. You're my inspiration. My light. My star. I miss you so much that I ache. But I'm so relieved that you no longer have to feel the pain.

Thank you, Esther, for encouraging me to appreciate each day a little bit more. Thank you for making me laugh louder and longer and harder than I remembered I could. Thank you for making memories alongside me that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Thank you for loving so fully. Thank you for being incredibly real and honest and human.

I love you, Esther. I won't ever forget that, and I know you won't either.

BEDA 24: Cloud Nine

So, it's incredible how happy Spanish makes me.

Yesterday wasn't my best day in the entire world. Classes went well, but I started to get pretty bummed out in the late afternoon. I've never been a social butterfly. In fact, I hardly constitute as a moth. I know that other people are having similar struggles to what I'm having socially, but I've been having quite a bit of difficulty finding the other people who haven't made new friends right off the bat. Probably because they, like me, aren't very good at ending up in areas where they are socially available. Anyways, I was a mess on and off for the remainder of the night, and while I was relatively happy at certain points, there were other points where I was absolutely miserable.

Today, I woke up tired, despite getting nine hours of sleep. Not really tired tired, but more the type of tired that you feel after crying right before you go to bed. Nevertheless, I trucked over to the Performing Arts Center and into my choir class. This already had me feeling a little bit better, mostly just because choir offers a certain sort of familiarity for me. I did have the chance to chat with a few people too, which helped. I went to get lunch, and then it was time for Spanish.

Before we move onto that, though, I should fill you in on a few things. I'm in Spanish 301, which is Spanish Conversation and Composition. It's a class meant for juniors and seniors. I most certainly am neither a junior nor a senior, and while I was definitely excited to be placed in such a high-level Spanish class, I was also a bit nervous. The first day was in English, which both helped and hindered my transition into the class. After we were dismissed, I went to talk to Dr. Gonzalez, and I explained that I wasn't 100% convinced that I should be in this high of a class, and while I was pretty sure I could handle it, it might help if he could take a look at some of my essays and examine whether or not my skills were up to par to be taking a 300-level class. He told me that we'd be doing some talking in class the next day, and he would be able to tell by the end of tomorrow.

We jumped right into Spanish as soon as he walked in the door today, and I was feeling a lot more comfortable than I had expected to feel. After analyzing a little composition in our textbooks, we were supposed to map out and write our own mini-biographies. With the help of my trusty dictionary, I busted out almost an entire page before class was over. He took some time to look it over, and he seemed pretty pleased.

After we were all set to go, I walked up to the front of the classroom once again, and told him, in Spanish, that I was sure I could do just fine. He said I was definitely capable. I had to resist the urge to do my happy dance.

I walked back across campus with this girl named Norma, and she seems way cool, and I love talking to people, and ahhhh.

Really, it is incredible how easily Spanish puts me on cloud nine.

Last google search: stephenie meyer (I don't feel like explaining)

Last video watched: this this THIS

Last song scrobbled: "Sea of Love" by Cat Power

BEDA 21: Wow I Suck

Wow okay so I am literally the worst. I've been pretty freaking busy lately, and even though I knew I was supposed to blog every day, I just couldn't get myself to. I've been so tired and frantic and all I've wanted to do at the end of each day is sleep. And I'm not trying to use that as an excuse or anything, because excuses are lame. I just wanna keep you guys up to date with what's been going on with me.

On the other hand, I really don't wanna fill you in on all of the various activities of the past few days, so yeah. I'm supposed to be waiting to see a hypnotist right now. Actually, I walked over to Somsen and sat outside the auditorium for like ten minutes, and then all the sudden I felt really nauseous and sick, so I walked back to the dorm and now I'm here. I wanna go back to sleep, but I'm not letting myself just yet, because I'm sort of hoping I'll feel better and then I can go see the hypnotist.

Tomorrow is my last day before class starts. Honestly, I'm pretty relieved about that. It doesn't feel like I'm able to settle in until I know what my days are gonna look like for the semester, and I won't know that until I go to class. Sooo, yeah.

I'm only wearing a sports bra on top right now, and I keep looking at my tummy. I wanna lose some weight. I've actually been really active while I've been here though, so maybe that'll actually happen.

OH, and hooooopefully I'll be making extra blog posts for the ones I missed. No promises though.

Okay yeah bye.

Days until class starts: ONE.

Last Google search: september obama eating

Last song scrobbled: "Break the Sky" by The Hush Sound

BEDA 17: Expectations

So I really don't feel like blogging today. I mean, I don't have a really good excuse or anything. There are just other things I'd rather be doing.

Actually, I'm not even sure that that's true. I just plain don't feel like it. But here I am, blogging anyways, because my BEDA Buddiez own so fucking hard.

Today was a bit harder than the last few days. I think a lot of it's because my roommate's here now, and she has a lot of people from her old school that she already knows, and I've been here for a few days and yet I know no one. I mean, I'm not majorly bummed out about it or anything. Orientation doesn't even start until tomorrow, and I did spend a lot of the evening hanging out with some new friends, so it's not like I have anything to worry about. This is just yet another "Katie has unrealistically high expectations" moment.

I can't figure out if tomorrow's gonna be super busy or pretty chill. We have an ice cream social, a comedy show, and a picnic, as well as a meeting and a tour here or there. It all seems like a lot, and I'm sure I'll be tired by the end of the day. But on the other hand, it seems like we have a shit ton of free time. We don't have anything going on from three o'clock to seven thirty or later. So I figure I'll just take advantage of that and use the time to find my classes and do some job hunting.

I'm pumped to meet my orientation group too! Finally some psych majors to connect with! Or maybe I'm in a group of foreign language majors? Not really sure. I'll know by tomorrow though!

Days until class: Six

Last video watched: Pshh.

Last song scrobbled: "Forward Motion" by Relient K

BEDA 16: College is Weird

So I don't know exactly what's going on in this head of mine right now. It's eleven o'clock, which means that they volleyball players are no longer playing volleyball, which means that it is suddenly very quiet right now. All I can hear is the clicking of my fingers along the keyboard, the hum of the fan sitting atop my desk, and the vibration of my own brain.

I messed up this morning like I always do and turned my alarm clock off before I had a proper chance to wake up, quickly falling right back to sleep and not waking up until around ten in the morning. This means that I missed a lot of the most important programming for Family Ties of the entire weekend, but that's okay. All you can really do is work to not repeat these mistakes in the future.

Family Ties was really pretty chill today, even though I expected it to be the busiest day of the entire weekend. They dismissed us early, so instead of going to dinner and then to an open gym, I headed back to my dorm and took a nice few-hour nap before my very first meeting with the HPA staff. After that, I headed out on my own and trekked around downtown Winona for about an hour. I was hoping to maybe run into something interesting, but the only thing happening in Winona at nine o'clock at night is drinking, and that's not my style. Still, it was nice to get out and do a little bit of exploring.

I haven't had nearly as much social interaction today, and part of me is sort of concerned about that. I think tomorrow will be different though. I talked to this girl on Facebook today who's an HP fan and is moving in two floors below me tomorrow, and my roommate is moving in tomorrow too. So whether I like it or not, I'll be spending a lot of my time with people. We really don't have very much actual programming tomorrow though. Family Ties finishes up around one, and then we don't have anything until five thirty. I figure I'll probably wander around my hall and ask if anyone needs help moving in and get to know my roommate and my neighbors.

I'm going to sleep now, because we're having a continental breakfast tomorrow and it would be really nice to wake up on time.

Days until class: Seven

Last video watched: This one

Last song scrobbled: "About Today" by The National

BEDA 15: The New and Old

OKAY. Okay. I'm blogging. It's taken me a while to finally log onto Blogger/Blogspot and get this thing done, but here I am. Yes.

Today was really good and stuff! Except for the beginning. The beginning was just really boring. My parents and I woke up at like, six thirty to get ready for breakfast, which is way too early for anyone to do anything ever, unless they're like hypermanic crazy people. Apparently the people in charge of Family Ties and the food service workers didn't realize that though, because we woke up early to eat really shitty food. Ugh.

And then after that, we had to spend like two hours mingling. And lemme clarify. They sort of just left us to our own devices. Once again, it was really early. No one wanted to talk. Especially not to people they didn't know. And especially not for two hours. It was sort of ridiculous.

We broke into lil' groups after that though, students in one and parents in the other, and had some FAQ time. It was fine, but for most of that session, I was sorta mulling over how I felt about my parents leaving. Because right after that session, we would have free time to say bye to our families. I handled it a lot better than I thought it was, but it was definitely weird.

After that, we took a tour of Winona and went bowling, and it was really nice to get to bond with some of the other girls in the group, even if they're all on West Campus, so I can't really spend time with them outside of the Family Ties time. I sorta wish I had brought my car.

I had a lil' Skype call with my friends and my family, which was really nice, but has sort of made me homesick. Right now, I just wanna waste two straight hours on watching Youtube videos and eating Wheat Thins.

Days until class: Eight

Last video watched: Lindsay owns.

Last song scrobbled: "Wizard Rock Twist" by The Remus Lupins

BEDA 14: COLLEGE. COLLEGE!

Okay, so I'm at college now. And it owns already. I mean, no one's really here yet, and my parents don't leave until tomorrow around noon, but it's already the coolest thing.

I woke up around eight o'clock or so, and proceeded to pack up the trillions of things that I hadn't packed yet and shoved them in my car. Things took a lot longer than they should have, and we didn't leave until half an hour after we had planned on. Mostly because it took me forever to say goodbye to my brother, my friends, and my dog. Not gonna lie, it may have taken me the longest to say goodbye Luna The Dog. We let her out into the front yard so that I could snuggle, and she kept jumping into the front seat of the car and waiting to go somewhere. Dogs are always the best because they're so sweet and loving, yet they never expect anything of you. And that makes it even harder to say no to them.

We got to Winona after two hours of driving, and we loaded all of my stuff onto a cart and into my dorm. It was sooo hot in there though, that I would've like, drank my own pee if I thought it would have been refreshing. Okay, maybe not, but you get my point. It took as a super super long time to get anything done, because we were all tired and sweaty and gross. Eventually, we gave up and went to Subway to get lunch and then to Target to get a buttload of things that I hadn't purchased yet.

We finally got my room finished, and it owns so hard. I'll make a video soon showing it off, but I'll probably wait until my roommate is moved in too. She doesn't get here until the 17th. But yeah, REMIND ME TO DO THAT.

Anywho, the whole reason I'm here early is because I'm in this group called Family Ties, so today through Tuesday, I'll be running around doing all sorts of stuff with Family Ties. And then Tuesday through Saturday, I have orientation. And then I have Sunday off, though Dessa and Lu might come down to visit. And then classes start on Monday!!

LIFE IS SO HECTIC. But also it's awesome!!

I was gonna talk abou the dinner that we had to go to for Family Ties, but I don't feel like it because it was pretty boring and the food was really bad. Also, that seemed like a good place to end my blog, so I'm gonna leave it off there. COLLEGE.

Days until college: NONE!!! :UU

Last video watched: I have no frigging idea.

Last song scrobbled: "Kissing the Lipless" by The Shins

BEDA 13:

I don't have the fucking time to fucking write this fucking blog tonight. I'm stressed, I'm upset, and I'm really, really sad.

I'm sorry I can't say more, but really. I just can't

BEDA 12: In Motion

Today was good. I got up around seven so I could head to my doctor's appointment at 9:30. I had to get a few shots, which has never really bothered me. After that, I crawled back into bed with every intention of waking up again around one o'clock, but I didn't get woken up until my mom came into my room at four in the afternoon during her lunch break. OOPSIES.

Today was my day to spend with my brother though, so after I woke up, we took off and grabbed some Arby's and went to the mall. It was really low key, and I wish it hadn't been so hot so we could've gone to Minnehaha Falls and explored or something. But either way, I love my brother more than just about anyone in the world, and it's always really nice to spend time together with just the two of us. We don't have as much in common as we used to, but he's gotten a lot wittier and more clever. It's always really weird to think about him growing up - I'm much more uncomfortable with the concept of Matt growing up than I've ever been with my own aging - but even when he makes really stupid choices, I do respect him a lot. He's a great kid.

We had to get back home around seven though, because I had an interview with Taekia from the HPA. Taekia and I have been emailing back and forth for about a month and a half now, and this was the last point in our loooong interview process. See, I had applied to the HPA a while back, but I had neglected to respond when Taekia emailed me back. I talked to Andrew Slack and Kate Looby about joining the staff when I was in Boston and during HPAFTW, and they both said that I should get back in contact with Taekia. As a matter of fact, after talking to Kate for a while, she told me that she would make sure they got me a spot on the staff. So I emailed Taekia, apologizing and such, and it all led to today.

We talked about my history with Harry Potter and the HPA for a while, and then eventually, she extended my invitation to join the staff! I'm so, so psyched to be joining as Sarah's chapter assistant. For any of you wondering, I'll explain what I'm gonna be doing. As a chapter assistant, I'm going to be working with Sarah to take the large campaigns and apply them to the chapters. For instance, if I had been around during Helping Haiti Heal, I might be devising kits for chapter organizers to set up booths to collect money in their communities and stuff like that. Taekia's told me that I could be spending up to ten hours a week on the Harry Potter Alliance, but honestly, I'm not concerned. Volunteering and activism has always been really important to me, and I think it's super awesome that I can do what I love with an organization that I love.

Anywho, tomorrow's my last day of summer, and I have essentially zero time to spend on getting ready for college. I'm going to be spending my entire day with my best friends -- I promise I'll blog though! I wouldn't let myself mess things up this far in. My point, though, is that I have to do everything I would be doing tomorrow, tonight. So I gotta freaking get to work, because I don't wanna be up all night.

You guys own. Leave me comments because I love you and yeah.

Days until college: Two oh my God.

Last video watched: Psh.

Last song scrobbled: "Tambourine-n-Thyme" by Nana Grizol. I CAN'T STOP LISTENING.

BEDA 11: Holding Your Own

The phrase "hold your own" has always been really weird to me. I think that's because I think it's completely bogus, or completely spot-on. I'm not sure how something can be two separate things completely, but I think deep down, I'm convinced that being more than 100% is possible. That's a topic for a different time though. For now, I wanna talk about holding your own.

Something about this phrase in particular sort of irks me. I think it's because part of me interprets it as relying on yourself, and within my own personal experiences and trials, that generally did more harm than good. I've said it before and I'll say it again: there's a very good chance that I wouldn't have even lived to see today if I hadn't had those that I love to turn to and to walk with through my journey. They helped keep me alive.

I dunno. For me personally, I think that the relations that you form with those around you are integral in which path you ultimately end up taking in your life. Beyond that, letting your thoughts stir around in your own head without any sort of output can be so toxic - I've witnessed that for myself. I think that by sharing the burden with those you love and those who love you makes life so much more tolerable, and even beyond that, I feel like it builds certain sorts of interpersonal skills that are pretty fundamental in doing well in society.

On the other hand, it absolutely drives me crazy when people pawn off their issues onto others without putting any sort of real effort into remedying the situation. If you have a problem with something, it's important that you have the individual mental strength to, at the very least, think through those tribulations that you face.

I guess a lot of my feelings are impacted both by my past experiences, as well as my opinions on collaboration. I definitely value the input of others, and I doubt that I would get nearly as much done as I do if I didn't have people that I respect that I could work alongside. However, that isn't meant to diminish the value of independent thought and work.

I don't really know if any of this made any sense. This is the third blog I've written today, and I sort of just wanna be done. But... Uh. Yeah.

Days until college: THREEEEEE.

Last video watched: THIS AHAHAHA

Last song scrobbled: "Festival" by Sigur Rós

BEDA 10: Give It a Rest

I was doing fine earlier. I was going to write about my trip out to Granite Falls. And I was going to write about staying in a tipi with three of my very favorite people in the entire world. I was going to talk about the kitten that stumbled across our campground and how we fed him hot dogs. I was going to talk about wading into the Yellow Medicine River, even though it’s probably filled with sewage. And I was going to mention my super awesome sunburn and the giant marshmallows that tasted like latex and strawberries.

I’ve gotten in my own head a bit too much though, and I dunno if I really feel like being thoughtful or deep or even thorough. Frankly, I sorta just wanna crawl into bed and ease my brain into a pleasant numbness by watching Gossip Girl and talking to Catitude for three hours.

I mean, it’s not like anything’s wrong. And I definitely don’t want you guys to worry, because I’m fine. But sometimes, you just gotta take a break, right?

Days until college: FOUR. :U
Last video watched: Why do I even have this? I never remember which video it was...
Last song scrobbled: "We Just Go Nuts At Christmastime" by They Might Be Giants

BEDA 9: I Feel

I feel lonely because I know that very, very soon, I won't be able to see those that I care about most. And while I'm well aware that I'll be able to talk to them online or on the phone or by email or even by snail mail, it's not the same as physical contact It's not the same as hugging and smiling and poking and resting your head on their shoulder.

I feel excited because college is something I've waited for my entire life, and it's finally, finally here. This is my time.

I feel scared because all of that freedom comes with a shit ton of responsibility and pressure. They keep saying how important it is that you start college off on the right foot, and as much as I think I know what to do, I'm very afraid that I'll end up making the same poor decisions I did four years ago. I'm afraid I'll slip back into my old bad behavior.

I feel depressed because I am so so sooo bad at taking my medication, and the combination of this and environmental stressors has me rather down in the dumps.

I feel frantic because it's finally gotten to crunch time. I have five days left. There are so many loose ends, and realistically, I don't think there's any way I can do everything I have to and would like to do. I have plenty of time, but really, I don't.

I feel hopeful because I finally have the opportunity to really start anew. No one at Winona has anything to expect from me. I can finally be myself without having bits of my past held against me. I can make my own choices. It's a new page, and I can write on it however I like.

I feel guilty because I feel like I've been ignoring my family. I don't think they know how much I care about them; how much I'm going to miss them.

I feel proud because there was a time I really wasn't sure I would make it to college. Like I said, I've aspired to reach this point for as long as I can remember, and it feels incredible to finally be here.

I feel relieved because I spent the entire day texting my new roommate back and forth, and she seems like she's quite nice. Her name's Alissa, and she's never read any of the Harry Potter books or seen any of the movies. But that's okay, because we'll find plenty of other things to bond over.

I feel sad to be leaving. Just sadness.

I feel determined because I finally have a chance to spend my time studying what I truly love. There isn't a single class I'm taking this semester that isn't about something that's really important and interesting to me, and that's very new to me. I'm on a mission to make the most of it.

I feel loved because of all those who have been asking to spend time with me. Of course, it makes me sad to say my goodbyes, even if they aren't forever. But it really does give me a warm fuzzy feeling to be so sought out. It's nice to feel appreciated.

I feel drained because of all the time I've had to put into things lately. I mean, a lot of them are really great things. But like I said in my last post, it's a lot. And I need to relax.

Really. I need to relax. Hopefully the camping trip tonight will help with that.

Days until college: Five

Last video watched: nothing more than feelings (day 8 vid 7) by Esther. <3

Last song scrobbled: "Motion In The Ocean" by Nana Grizol

VEDA 8: Happiness and Sacrifice

AHHHH, I NEED TO BLOG.

Okay, life has been very hectic lately, and I am getting sick of it. I am sick of having no time to relax and process my inner thoughts. I am an introvert. It would be appreciated if you allowed me to be introverted.

I was gonna do this really awesome blog about which fictional character has impacted me the most, and I don't even think I have the energy to do that because I am STRESSING. OUT. Which sucks, because I was (and am) convinced that that would've been a really awesome blog and we could all discuss things in the comments and such. But it's just NOT gonna happen because I'm all frantic and shit.

I'm going camping tomorrow. In a tipi. And it's probably going to rain, and I really don't WANT it to rain, because tipis have holes in the tops of them. Which means that the water will go from the clouds through the sky towards the ground through the hole into the tipi and ONTO ME. And I love rain, but not when it is drenching me as I sleep. That is not cool, rain. Please refrain from drenching me as I sleep.

Also, I feel really really bad because I leave really soon and I've hardly seen my family at all because I've been so busy running off with my friends. And my friends are all "You gotta spend time with us because you're leaving soon!" But my family won't say anything that point-blank because they see that I'm happy and they don't want to interfere. But I know that I'm really gonna miss them and I know that I'm really really gonna regret not spending time with them if I don't make more time to see them. I feel like I haven't talked to my mom in ages, and that's just not okay.

I mean, I am happy. It's like I've been telling everyone. I'm losing my mind, but ultimately I'm happy. The thing is, there's no way I can fit in all of the people and things that I want to see and do before I leave, and it's really hard for me to sacrifice anything. So uh. I dunno.

Leaving is hard.

Days until College: Six

Last video watched: Dr. Noise's Saturday video. Find it yourself.

Last song scrobbled: "Coin Operated Boy" by The Dresden Dolls

BEDA 7: One Week?!

Ahhhh, so Maddie only has an hour left to blog, and I've called her twice, and she hasn't answered, and if she doesn't blog today I'm gonna have to touch her butt and scold her and stuff! Maddie, if you don't blog, I'm gonna kill youuuu!

So, exactly a week from today I will be all moved in to my new dorm, which is a very exciting thought because I've lived in the same house for as long as I can remember. I don't wanna talk about that too much though, because I blogged about it yesterday, and I'm gonna drive you all crazy with how much I'll be blogging about it once I already get there. So I think I'm just gonna talk about the stuff I'm doing in the next week, because I think some of it is mildly interesting. But mostly because I'm so busy that I have no idea what the fuck is going on anymore.

7/8: Okay. Okay. Okay. I REALLY need to order my books. College kids, am I supposed to be ordering my books now or what? Also, I need to get in touch with the family I babysit for a lot because I'm supposed to be babysitting tomorrow. Also, I'll probably hang out with Dessa and Luisa again.

7/9: So I guess the four of us are going camping, and we're gonna be staying in a tipi?! It's gonna be really freaking hard for me to blog because (obviously) there's no way that I'll be able to get internet way in the middle of fucking no where, but I think I should be able to blog before I leave. Also, I really hope it doesn't rain/storm even though it probably will because that would suck massively.

7/10: Okay, so we get back sometime on the tenth, and honestly I have no idea what I have planned. We shall see. I'll probably go home and sleep.

7/11: Since I don't have anything planned for the eleventh either, I think I'll probably spend a lot of time packing up the stuff that I can for school. I have most things packed, but there were some things that I needed to use and yeah.

7/12: This is my day with my family, which will be cute. My mom might work, and my dad probably does, but I'll have fun anyways. Not exactly sure what we're doing yet though.

7/13: This day is dedicated to going out with my friends and stuff! We're planning on doing the entire day backwards, like having dessert first, and then ending our day with breakfast. Also, we're probably going to a strip club just because we can? I think we're planning on alternating between really immature and really mature events. Should be goooood.

7/14: I MOVE IN WHAT THE FUCK.

Days until college: SEVEN AAAAA

Last video watched: Some random video on Hank's channel about that wedding???

Last song scrobbled: "Chap Stick, Chapped Lips, and Things Like Chemistry" by Relient K

BEDA 6: Can't Let You Leave

So I was having a pretty good day. I woke up around eleven and sat around for a while, and then I eventually managed to drag my ass out of bed so I could get ready for my haircut appointment. I had a nice time at salon chatting about dogs, college, and religion with my super funky and awesome hair stylist.

I got home feeling a little bit tired, but pretty motivated to keep going and to get some stuff done. I talked on the phone with my Grandma D. for a while to finalize our plans for the night, and after that I headed outside to clean up my car. See, I drive my friends around just about everywhere, since there's only one other person in our group of friends who's willing or able to drive around. As a result, my car has a lot of shit in it. So it took me about an hour or more to clean my car inside and out.

By then, it was time to start getting ready for dinner with my grandparents, so I threw on a new outfit, did up my makeup, brushed my hair, and headed out the door. Dinner was really sweet, and I love spending time with my grandma and grandpa so much. After dinner, I went back to their house. My grandpa retreated back to his office downstairs, and my grandma and I just snuggled up in the same places we sit each time we get together. We probably talked for a good hour and a half, and I feel like we sort of cycled through the same topics over and over again, but that's sort of what I like about chatting with my grandma. We don't really have to talk about anything; it's just nice to be with each other and to enjoy each other's presence.

And then I got home. My family told me that Dessa had called twice, so after sitting down and relaxing for five or ten minutes, I gave her a call back. She said that she and Lu had wanted to know if I would go to Uptown with them, but they were already on their way, so it was too late. I said that that was fine, because I had plenty of things I had to do anyways. That was all swell and great, until Dessa called again two minutes later.

I don't really remember how the conversation started, but Dessa was saying something about how I should really have gotten together with them because Luisa won't be here for long. I explained to her that I had been busy all day, and that there really was no way I could have seen her. And then out of no where, she says something along the lines of "You know, your internet friends are always going to be there." I didn't exactly see where that came from.

I texted her a little bit, asking why she was so upset when she said herself that it was too late for me to come out with them anyways. She texted me back, saying, "Nevermind I'm just gonna miss you." And now I just feel guilty. At first, I was so pissed that she would get upset about me spending time on the internet when I hadn't been online all day, but I think I get it now.

I guess she's just intimidated, because what really works in our friendship is how well we communicate face-to-face. We poke each other and make dumb faces and snuggle and lick and give kisses and laugh and cry, and we can't do that now. I think she's scared that I'll replace her with the internet, and I don't think she realizes how impossible that is.

And I don't think she realizes that I'm just as scared that I'll be replaced as she is. I'm gonna miss her so, so much. And I don't want to lose yet another friend. Dessa's my best friend in the entire world, and I can't bear to lose her.

Days until college: Eight

Last video watched: Who the fuck knows?

Last song scrobbled: "Please Don't Go" by Barcelona

BEDA 5: The Nature of Fear

Right now, I'm sitting on the swinging bench in my front lawn. It's about eighty five degrees out, theres a light breeze wafting the smell of drying laundry my direction, and the swinging of the bench is lulling me into a placid sort of comfort. It's nice.

I have this problem. I'm a pretty sounds sleeper, and more so, I am very skilled at waking up just enough to do what I have to do, and then falling asleep. I have a tendency of telling people that I'm awake and doing what I'm supposed to do and then having no recollection of it when I actually do wake up. I also have a tendency of turning off my alarm clock before I can wake up enough to even realize that it's going off.

That happened this morning. I went to bed around two in the morning, which is pretty average for me. I had set my alarm clock for 8:11, because I needed to be at the doctor's by eight forty-five, and I have this neuroticism where I can't set any sort of timer or alarm to a multiple of five. I guess it just seems more natural that way or something. Like, if we were to actually try to wake up at a specific moment, we wouldn't wake up at exactly eight o'clock. And it doesn't really take those corn dogs exactly two minutes to cook in the microwave. They just tell you that because saying that you should microwave them for two minutes and seven seconds would be weird. But I digress.

My point is, I turned my alarm clock off while I was still asleep, and I slept through my appointment. Which isn't okay, but isn't that big of a deal either, because I called and rescheduled.

Also, I went out to eat with my grandma today. It was really nice to spend time with her, and I think I'd enjoy having her around quite a bit if I put more effort into spending time with her, which is sort of a shame. I really do regret not realizing how much I appreciate her until now. Because really, she means a lot to me, and I'm going to miss her quite a bit once I go to college.

That sort of brings us to the topic that my little BEDA family came across last night when we were planning for today. Boggarts, patronuses, and amortentia. I'm going to give each one its own blog post, I think, and today I'm going to focus on my boggart.

I've never really feared death. At least, not in the conventional way. I'm not entirely sure why this is, but the thought of my own passing has never been something to bother me. It could be because I was raised in such a religious household, or it could be because of my issues with self-appreciation. Either way, I've never struggled with accepting the fact that I will die. Instead, I have immense difficulty wrapping my mind around the fact that every person I love will someday pass through my fingers. I am deeply afraid of losing those I love, whether it be to death or other devices.

I think this is due to the fact that I have lost many people that I care about because I was ignorant and selfish. Now, I've never had anyone I love die, which probably contributes in its own way. But I have pushed numerous friends out of my life as a result of my own social issues. And I know very well that I don't always appreciate people as much as I should - or at least, I don't show it. Which I'm working on, but anyways...

I guess my fear operates along the basis that I have such strong emotional attachments to each of these people, and I don't want to lose them without them fully knowing how much I care. The problem is, no one can ever know the true impact they have on others. I could never do enough to show how much I care, and actions speak so much louder than words.

Days until college: Nine

Last video watched: Happy Birthday Esther! by A. Slack

Last song scrobbled: "The Friends" by Nicholas Hooper (The HBP soundtrack.)

BEDA 4: Tomorroooow, tomorrooooow!

Ahhh. Okay, so I'm at the house that my friend is watching, and we're watching the Emperor's New Groove. Well, Luisa and I are. Rodessa vanished upstairs with her boyfriend. Not gonna think too much about what they're doing up there...

Anyways, I'm super tired, and I'm planning on heading home soon to get a few things done before I head to sleep, but first I have to do this freaking blog. I really don't know what I'm gonna talk about yet, so I'm gonna talk about my plans for tomorrow. I hope that's cool.

Okay, so at eight forty-five, I have to go to the doctor.

Oh hey, Roo Roo and Tony just got back, and it turns out that they just went to get snacks. But back to the doctor.

Yeah, I have an appointment at the doctor at eight forty-five in the morning, which sort of sucks. I don't hate the doctor or anything, but I definitely do NOT enjoy waking up at eight in the morning. I have to get my second chicken pox vaccine - I didn't even KNOW you had to get two, but whatever - and then I have to get my second HPV virus. Luckily, I really don't mind shots either, so that's not much of a problem. While I'm there, I have to talk to someone about getting my medical records transferred to Winona, along with my prescription.

After that, I'm heading home for a bit, and I might go back to sleep for a few hours. But not for too long, because I'm going out with my grandma again! Yayayayayayyy! We're going out at eleven, and I think we're gonna go shopping a little bit. After that, I'm pretty sure the plan is to go to Houlihan's, a local restaurant, for lunch. Nom nom nom. Maybe I'll take a picture of me and Grandma Twyman while I'm out. That would be cute.

I don't know what the plan is after that. I feel like I should spend more time with Luisa, Mallery and Rodessa, but I sort of wanna spend some time on my own tomorrow. After all, I'm still an introvert. It's not like me to spend THAT much time with people, no matter what the occasion. Blah blah blah.

Okay though, I have to get home, I think. AHHHHH. I'm sleepy. DON'T LET ME SLEEP UNTIL I TALK TO ANDREW SLACK. Blugh.

Days until college: Ten! :O

Last video watched: re: Esther Day by the lovely cookie4monster4

Last song scrobbled: "Dead" by They Might Be Giants <33

BEDA 3: Postcard Projects and a German!

Okay, so it's only seven hours into the 3rd, but I'm writing my blog post now because I expect the rest of my day to be pretty busy, especially during the night when I typically do my blogging. Plus, I've been reading a bunch of blogs from yesterday, and it's made me wanna write something of my own.

I'm gonna start off by talking about this idea that I've had for a long time. For about a year, I've thought it would be REALLY cool if I could collect postcards from my friends all around the states, and ultimately, the world. My plan is to use them to decorate my dorm, amongst tons of other things I'm gonna be putting up on my walls as well. My point is, I would LOVE to get postcards from you guys, as I've had severe wanderlust for a few years now, and I rea

lly would enjoy having pieces of the world right there in my dorm. If you want my address for these postcards, you can email me at katie.twyman19@gmail.com and I'll give you my address. I'm gonna say it again - I really don't care where the postcard is from. I wanna see it!

Moving on. I'm gonna talk about why today is so exciting and awesome. See, I have this friend named Luisa. And she's from Bavaria. She lived with my aunt and uncle as a foreign exchange student our junior year, and it just so happened that I had three classes with her fall semester. Needless to say

, we got really close really fast, and she was one of my very best friends in absolutely no time. My other best friends, Mallery and Rodessa, got super close to her too, and we were pretty much a power team. It was great.

Well, she's flying in to spend a month in Minnesota today, and I'm picking her up at the airport at three thirty with Dessa and Mallery! I can't wait to hug her and snug

gle her and make fun of her for her funny grammatical mistakes. But after she gets here, we're going to this house that Rodessa is watching. I think a bunch of other people who wanna see her are heading over to hang out with us for a long time, and after that, the three of us are just gonna spend the night there.

The house has a bonfire pit, and the entire night is gonna be so much fun that I can hardly contain myself. More than anything, I'm REALLY excited to see Luisa again. No matter how much time you've spent with someone, it's always hard to go from IRL to URL, and I'm pumped to be back in IRL territory for a while. I feel like there's so much I'm missing, and there's SO much catching up to do. It's driving me crazy.

It'll all be better soon though! I can't waaaait.

Days until college: Eleven

Last video watched: Same one as yesterday, yo~

Last song scrobbled: "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K

BEDA 2: Family Ties

So I went to bed at midnight last night after a ton of frustration trying to get my Skype to hold a call for more than five minutes. And then I woke up. At four in the morning.

I didn't go to sleep like I should have. Instead, I went onto Skype (again) and chatted with Blaze and Valerie for a few hours like a giant awesome dummy. And by the time I got off the call, it wasn't even really worth it to go to bed, so I just sat there and watched a few episodes of Gossip Girl. Yes, I've begun watching Gossip Girl. Sue me. After an hour and a half of watching pretty girls trounce around Manhattan and shit, I got tired of being a giant slob and got out of bed, made french toast for my family, and got dressed. My grandma was coming to pick me up for lunch, so I had to be ready and blah blah blah.

Spending time with my grandma didn't last very long though, because all the sudden I started feeling really really nauseous. I held on until we got to a Dairy Queen a few miles away and I managed to sip a cup of Sprite, but then I went to the bathroom and puked and all that. And needless to say, I went home after that. And I felt better and then worse and I went geocaching and then I got really dizzy and blah blah blah. But I don't really feel like talking about that.

I think I wanna talk about how weird it is to think that I won't have my family right there in a matter of weeks. I mean, I'll be honest. I don't really spend a ton of time with my family. Even at home, I spend a lot of time in my room on my laptop now that I have one. And I only see my grandparents a few times a year outside of holidays. So it's not so much that the amount of time I spend with them will be diminished or anything. At least, it won't be THAT much less. And obviously, being across the state doesn't really disable me from calling or sending emails. There's just something about the distance. Even if I don't see my family a super lot, it's comforting to know that if I really wanted to see any of them, I could drop by at a moment's notice. Which I never do. But that's not the point. The point is that if I wanted to, I could.

My very biggest fear is losing the people I love. Oh God, I'm actually tearing up right now. Bahaha, I am so lame. Anyways, obviously my grandparents aren't super young or anything, and I have no way of knowing how much more time I'll have with them. And I sort of regret not putting more time into the relationships, particularly with the grandma that I spent time with today.

And even when I finally got myself out there alone with someone who means so much to me, I somehow managed to mess it up. And we're rescheduling and I'll probably see Grandma Twyman in a few days, but still. I feel like I might have let her down, and it sucks.

So yeah. Onto the challenge. Five words I misspell a lot are nauseous, uhhh... Uhm. Honestly, I don't know. MADDIE, GIVE ME TWO CHALLENGES TOMORROW TO MAKE UP FOR THIS AWFULNESS.

Days until college: Twelve

Last video watched: I Love Hank: Esther Day 2010 by Vlogbrothers

Last song scrobbled: "Into the Night" by Ministry of Magic

BEDA 1: And So It Begins...

Okay. Yeah. So. Uhh. BEDA. Yeah. I'm just gonna like. Yeah.

So my BEDA buddy, my dear friend Maddie, and I were talking, and I think the plan is that we're both gonna do a sort of ~About Me~ thing today. I think a lot of you guys - referring to the five of you who read this - already know a lot about me, so I don't know if this is gonna be particularly interesting or whatever, but I'm gonna try to divulge some information that I don't think is so known or anything.

I'll start with the basics though. My name is Katie, as if the url of the blog didn't make that obvious enough. I'm from Minneapolis, Minnesota, though I'll be moving to Winona in two weeks to start college at Winona State University! I'm majoring in Spanish and psychology, and I'm sooo excited to start college. I'm eighteen, my birthday is April 24th, and despite my age, I talk about poop and butts an awful lot.

Moving on.

I think what I'm gonna do is talk about five things about myself that I normally don't talk about in list format. We'll see where things go after that.

ONE: I absolutely hate rides at amusement parks. It's true. I've never been on a roller coaster, but as an eleven year old, I went on that frog ride for little kids that takes you like ten feet in the air and bounces you up and down with a bunch of munchkins half my age, and I cried. I'm not kidding, I actually cried. All the freaking four year olds were pretty much bored out of there minds, and I sat there screaming and crying. I hate the feeling of falling so much that just about any ride ever repulses me. I can sort of do the Tilt-A-Whirl, and there's this one ride at my nearest amusement park called The Wave that I can do if you spend a lot of time convincing me, but that's it. Oh, and Bumper Cars. Bumper Cars are cool.

TWO: I'm a giant hypochondriac. I think I missed over a month of school last year. Granted, some of that was because I was a senior in high school and I was pretty much waaaay over that shit and just made up an excuse not to be there. But my immune system isn't the greatest, and I come down with a stomach ache or a little fever pretty regularly. The thing is, I always make a lot bigger deal out of each teeny tiny symptom than I need to. As a result, I miss a LOT of school. I've always sort of been convinced that there's something majorly wrong with me for me to be sick this frequently, and for all I know, there could be something. But for the most part, I think a lot of the reason I'm sick so much is because I'm so afraid of getting sick in the first place.

THREE: I wanted to be a writer for most of my life. Seriously, ever since I was in first grade, I was convinced that I would grow up to be a super-awesome author. I wrote probably five poems a week in seventh and eighth grade, and I finished my first short story in fourth grade. It was probably twenty pages long, and I kid you not, it ended in the twelve year old main character marrying his teacher. I was a messed up kid. But anyways, it wasn't until a few years ago that my aspirations shifted towards psychology, and the interest in Spanish wasn't until even more recently. Part of me still wants to be a writer, and I absolutely love writing - hence my participation in crazy things like BEDA and NaNoWriMo - but right now, it's not where my focus is.

FOUR: I like a lot of bad smells. Of course, now that I try to think about it, I'm having trouble coming up with very many examples, but here are a few: skunk butt, gasoline, vinegar, sulphur, and...yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong. There are some smells that are freaking repulsive, but a lot of smells just don't bother me, and there are some that I even enjoy.

FIVE: I didn't want to study Spanish. It always sort of makes me laugh when I really think about how I ended up majoring in Spanish, because I was pissed as hell that I had to take it as a freshman. See, I wanted to take German. German was everything I wanted - unique, uncommon, funny-sounding, interesting... And in my brain, Spanish just wasn't. I mean, everyone took Spanish. EVERYONE. Of course, that's exactly why my mom was forcing me to take it. She knew that it would come in handy a lot more than German would. But I have to wonder what I would be doing as a freshman in college if I had taken German instead. Maybe I'll examine that more in a later blog post.

And that's five! I have other blog posts I wanna read, so I'm gonna take off. Don't forget to comment and lemme know what you'd like to see me write about!

BEDA Day 1, consider yourself pwned.

Days until college: Thirteen

Last video watched: VEDA 1 by realgerilee

Last song scrobbled: "Up the Wolves" by The Mountain Goats

Everything.

I'm gonna be okay.

No, really. I'm gonna be fine.

In fact, I'm gonna come out a lot better.

I've got you guys, and that counts for everything.

Oh, also, I'm planning on doing BEDA! My dear friend Maddie is gonna be my BEDA buddy, and maybe Blaze too? Awh, hell. Anyone doing BEDA in Catitude is my BEDA buddy. Let's face it.

I can't promise that I really will be able to blog EVERY day in August, seeing as I move into college on the fourteenth, and who knows how crazy and busy things will be after that? I'm definitely gonna try my hardest though. After all, I came SO close to finishing VEDA back in April, and it drives me crazy that I wasn't able to follow through. So I really really wanna make BEDA work out.

In other news, I got 100 subscribers on Youtube today! Yaaay! I'm planning on filming a video saying thanks and asking what they'd like to hear me talk about during BEDA tomorrow, but meanwhile I have a video I filmed YESTERDAY that I really wanted to upload tonight, but it just didn't happen, so it's gonna have to wait until tomorrow afternoon. I mention the date at the very beginning of the video, so I'm really trying to get it published ASAP, but ugh.

I WANNA SLEEP THOUGH. So yeah. This was just a little update because I've really been meaning to do some blogging and it just hasn't been happening. You guys should leave me topics/questions for BEDA in the comments or on my Formspring page! If you leave them on Formspring, make sure to put BEDA somewhere in it, just so I know to save it for later.

Fifteen days until I move into college.

Things are awesome, even when they don't seem like it.

You guys are great.

Moving Out, Moving On

I've felt very stressed out lately.

No, I guess that's not the right word for it. I've felt positively overwhelmed. Not quite lucid. On edge. Unsure. Unbalanced. Unstable. I have less than one month until I move into my dorm - twenty-four days, I think - and I don't really know what to do, so my brain has made up for this lack of formulated reaction by pretty much throwing me through each emotion it can think of. It's taken a toll.

The combination of the overwhelming emotions of Boston with the overwhelming stress of beginning college has turned me into a mess. That's not to say that I'm entirely unhappy, because there are moments of time when I'm very very excited and enthused and eager to see what waits for me around the corner. I'm very appreciative of all the great things I've been offered this summer, and I have so, so much to be thankful for. But at the same time, I have quite a bit to be afraid of.

I guess one of the biggest problems I'm facing is this bitter feeling of complete unreadiness. I feel totally and utterly unprepared to live on my own. To the point that I'm terrified. And I know. I know that that's what college is for. I understand that part of the point of going to college is to learn the things that make living on your own survivable. But my problem is that I'm not even convinced I can pseudo-live-on-my-own. I'm irresponsible and lazy; I'm undependable and needy; I'm immature and moody. But I'm also passionate and stubborn and belligerent and opinionated, and that means that there isn't really any other option but for me to go.

There is no way in hell I would allow myself not to go to college. I would be miserable and very, very disappointed. But right now, I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to make going to college work either.

I'll figure out something. I always do.

The Valleys

They were easily the hardest three years of my life. Dozens of panic attacks. Hundreds of cuts. Countless negative thoughts. I had fallen into a pit of depression and anxiety, and I struggled on a daily basis to pull myself out of the quagmire of my own mind. However, I stand here before you today. Stronger than I’ve ever been, looking forward to a bright future filled with aspirations and dreams I couldn’t have even imagined two years ago. My name is Katie Twyman, and I’d like to share my story with you.

I’d like to be able to say that as a kid, I was relatively normal. But that would be lying, and seeing as this is a church event, I’ll tell you guys the truth. I was a little… unique. I specifically remember running around at recess in third grade, explaining to my dear friend Harry Potter how football was sort of like Quidditch, but totally different all at the same time. I did well academically, already realizing my passion for writing at nine years old. I was a teacher’s pet in school, and I only had two neighborhood friends. I wasn’t even friends with the rejects, to be honest. But that didn’t matter to me. I was happy, I was doing my own thing, and at the time, that’s all that was important.
Sixth grade was when I finally decided to break the mold I’d been placed in by all of the kids in my class. Surprisingly enough, it worked. For the first time ever, I gained a few close friends at school. However, with other people comes other people’s problems, and that wasn’t something I was quite ready for. Seventh grade was a bit of a struggle, in which I began to learn what rebellion was. I threw myself into situations that I normally would have avoided, and the classic teacher’s pet found herself getting into trouble for the first time ever. But overall, I was still happy, so what did the rebellion matter?
It wasn’t until eighth grade that I introduced myself to the world that would later devour me. In the eyes of all around me, I appeared to be a relatively typical teenager. For the first time in my life, I had a large group of friends at school, and I was writing at least two poems a day. However, attention, I found, is the greatest gateway drug of all. I remember my newfound best friend confessing the endless stories behind the scars and gashes lacing up and down her ankles. The follower in me leeched onto the concept of self-injury faster than I can even explain, and within months, I was locking myself in my room, hissing insults violently at myself and cursing my very existence, rapidly extinguishing any self-confidence I held before.

At the time, I wasn’t aware that I was inviting a monster into my head. It wasn’t long, though, before codependency carefully wrapped its fingers around me. Because I had already helped my mother deal with addiction numerous times in the past year, I thought I was somehow uniquely qualified to help my friends with their struggles in the same way. Within no time, I found myself needing to help those around me. With such defeated self-esteem, my ability to advise others was the only thing I found myself capable of. I found that my desperation to help others was the one thing that really gave me any sense of self-worth; I found that if I was caught up in everyone else’s troubles, I didn’t have the time or energy to deal with my own. But not even the strongest of people should hold the pressures and turmoil that I loaded onto my very own back. I subjected myself to the issues of anyone who asked, overburdening myself to the point of snapping. In the long run, the tedious and dangerous act of throwing myself so recklessly into bailing out my friends only intensified my need to physically self-medicate.

Within six months, cutting was a frequent getaway. I’d leave school during lunch at least once a month, sprinting the few blocks home so I’d have time to feed my indescribable desire for self-mutilation while no one else was around. Dull mornings led to nearly manic afternoons and ended in extreme depression each and every night. The pain I felt, however, was something I relished. Something I searched for around every turn, the desire to suffer never waning.
The summer of 2007, I had unbelievably high paranoia and anxiety, and I quickly became unable to even function normally. But Sophomore year brought the biggest trials of my life. Suicidal thoughts were dangerously frequent, though contained to my own head. I had an endless amount of utensils to feed my building addiction. I was participating in massive amounts of self-injury, usually reaching nineteen cuts within thirty minutes. I spent most of my time reading, even my favorite things sounding unappealing and dissatisfying.

I was completely helpless. I’d fallen victim to myself, and I was walking down a dead-end path — the one I had very carefully chosen. There was never a point when I didn’t know that this was my OWN doing, but that failed to stop me. It was a split personality of sorts, half of me verbally begging my mother to hospitalize me, and the other half absolutely refusing to change. I was at war against myself, and something needed to give.

Soon enough, individual therapy led to dialectical behavioral therapy, or DBT, a group therapy program that put me with other girls who were in a similar situation to my own. But I feared the skills they taught us, terrified that in losing my warped mentality, I would lose myself. Things somehow managed to worsen. November 3rd, 2007 was my brother’s 14th birthday. We went out to dinner at a local restaurant, and I literally crowded myself into the corner of the booth and broke down. The next day, I was hiding out in my room, playing Guitar Hero, when my mom came up the stairs, walking across my room until she stood only a few feet away from me. “Katie,” she said, “This is an intervention. Pack your things — we’re going to the hospital right now.” After a day of looking for an inpatient program with room for me, I ended up at Abbott. I began the intense process of rehabilitating and reconstructing myself. One month later, I was discharged, daring to find a glimmer of hope in the world around me, and more importantly, in myself. I was anxious for a new beginning.
After another year and an indescribable amount of hard work, I graduated from DBT, self-injury free for almost two months. Ready, at last, to say goodbye. Goodbye to the hell I put myself through. Goodbye to the torture one can only do to herself. This was, really, the first physically manifested proof of how far I’d come. I still struggled regularly with continuing to fight against the endless lures of cutting, and nights were still hard for me to get through at times. But I was ready at last to stand on my own two feet.
That was a year and a half ago, and since then, I’ve come further than I ever dared to think I could. I’m passionate about the things I do I may not have been able to see it then, but I can recognize now that all of that hard work – all of the therapy and skill-building and reflection – would have been for nothing if I didn’t have my Lord to fall back on. Through it all, God was there for me.
I’ve always had an issue with that “Footprints” story we’ve all heard so many times. I don’t believe that God picked me up and carried me through those challenges and trials in my life. Instead, I feel that He reached his arm around me and helped me to walk with him right at my side. And this, I believe, has made all of the difference. The Lord taught me to walk on my own two feet while never letting me forget that He is always there to catch me and pick me back up. With God’s arm around me, I’ve become healthy and self-sufficient. I am able to care for others without sacrificing myself and my own values in the process.
It would be unrealistic of me to say I will never struggle with depression again. It happens, and I know that lightning CAN, in fact, strike the same place twice. I never said goodbye to the suffering; I said goodbye to letting it win. The difference is that this time I know to fight back, and I will never allow myself to forget that I have a friend in Jesus Christ, who walks with me every step of the way. I know that the only thing standing in the way of my tremendous capabilities is myself. And I know that with my family, my friends, and my God guiding me, I can make all of my most ridiculous dreams come true.
I left DBT ready to conquer whatever keeps me from my dreams — no matter how irrational my dreams may be. Today, I finally have some form of firm grounding . My schoolwork is improving; my confidence no longer wavers as heavily; and I have an idea of who I am, and where I’m going. I am proud of the person I’ve become; more proud than I have ever been. I’ve devoted myself to writing, spending hours a week writing articles and fiction. Harry Potter continues to be one of my obsessions, though this time – I promise – I’m not talking to him in public. At least…not often. I’m jam-packed with skills, and I can stick up for myself if need be. I am the closest to “average” I’ve ever been, and I am so happy to say that.

Finally, I can say confidently that I’m my own person. I am Katie Twyman, a Christian, writer, student, sister, daughter, and friend.

Opportunities Abounding

I've sort of had this insatiable need to blog lately. Probably because I'm at such a transitional point in my life right now, and I feel this underlying need to get a hold of myself and figure out what's happening in that big ol' head of mine.

But the result is a whole slew of blog posts that really never needed to happen.

Anyways, I have absolutely no clue where my weekend went. Today's Memorial Day, which means I had a long weekend. And no matter how much I set out to get done - or no matter how much I actually did get done - the past three or four days have felt really tranquil and uneventful in the best way possible.

I've sorta needed that. Like, a lot. I mean, you can see it in my second from last blog post. I haven't been doing my best with the whole "coping" thing, and I really needed an opportunity to step back and to just enjoy where I was. Because really, it's incredible how many opportunities I've been given, and when you're stuck with so many of the negatives while the positives are right around the corner, it's hard to see that.

My mom and I have had a whole slew of conversations about whether or not I'm really ready for college over the course of the past nine months. For the most part, she's been really really concerned that I'm not ready. But really, I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't going to college. I've been stuck in a place where I really don't belong for four years now, and while ultimately I'm happy, there's so much more out there.

I was sort of starting to lose hope that things could be different. This weekend helped to renew that.

Special thanks to Catitude, because they're awesome and stuff. (: