Things haven't been going so well lately. I think it's a giant combination of things, both clinical and situational. But I've just been so mentally and emotionally on edge lately. Yesterday, I went out of my way to get my day off to the right start. Things started off sort of tense, so I listed out ten things that I was looking forward to within the next day, and it helped. I was feeling good. Well, I was feeling good for about two hours, that is. Then I got to economics, and towards the end of class I snapped on the kid sitting next to me. I pulled it together pretty quickly, but it didn't take long for things to fall apart all over again.
We've been studying abnormal psych for a while now in my psych class, and to "give us a better understanding of borderline personality disorder," we were watching Girl Interrupted in class. I don't know if that's what set me off, but when class was dismissed and everyone else took off to lunch, I stayed right in my seat. My teacher asked me if everything was okay within the minute, and I shook my head.
And then I just broke. I started sobbing. Just, sobbing. My good friend Mallery rushed back into the classroom, and another girl who I've known for a long time stuck around too. And for at least fifteen minutes, I let myself crumble into this complete mess of a person. I hardly even remember what it was I said. Mostly, I think I went on and on about how completely terrified I am.
Lately, I've felt so broken, and this part of my gut deep, deep down is so scared of regressing back to where I was two years ago. I'm so scared of falling victim to my depression and anxiety, and I've felt so vulnerable lately. You can just feel it. You can feel that something's wrong in the pit of your stomach. And that feeling won't go away.
What's awful is that I'm throwing myself into these fits over my fear of having fits. It's cyclical and it's completely irrational.
I just really hope that I can turn things around. It's so upsetting to think that I'll have to struggle with these imbalances for the rest of my life - for years and years. But right now, I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to get through tomorrow.
2 comments:
Katieeeeeeeeee
I want to hug you.
I'm sorry that you have to go through so much. Not sorry, but, you know.
I can only imagine that I understand how bad it is for you sometimes, and it doesn't always get better, but you're such a strong and brave and FUN person and you'll be okay :)
talk to meeeeee if you need anything <3
Katie girl I love you, I want you to know that I am here like always. (well like not next to you) but always digitally yeah. You're awesome for getting through what you had to go through and I'm always chill to talk or just listen or whatever I have this phone thing you can call and then hear my voice and feel free to do that any time. I know I've never had stuff as bad as you, but I've had my share of emotional issuses and I hate those feelings you get in your gut that don't have a reason to be there but you FEEL them and just want them to go away. I get that to some point. but anywho I LOVE YOU and I'm here <3
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